If They Only Came with Instructions…

How to Parent the Child You Have, Not the One You—or Others—Expected

“If only they came with instructions!” It’s something I say almost daily—and for good reason. Most of us enter parenthood with an idea of how we’ll raise our kids. We picture how we’ll speak to them, how they’ll behave, and how things will unfold.

But parenting isn’t a curated itinerary. It’s a messy, beautiful, humbling journey that rarely follows our expectations. We often parent the way we were parented—whether we mean to or not.

We repeat what worked (or seemed to) and try to avoid what didn’t. But here’s the truth: we’re parenting in a different decade, with different kids, different pressures, and different needs—and no amount of past experience automatically prepares us for this.

Planning for One Journey, Arriving Somewhere Else

Maybe you pictured the “trip” looking like a week in Paris: croissants, art museums, beautiful structure and charm. But what if you land somewhere totally different? Say, Tokyo—fast-paced, unfamiliar, and full of signs you can’t quite read.

Or maybe it’s Iceland—stark, raw, colder than expected, yet breathtaking in its own way. It’s not a failure. It’s a rerouting.

And it comes with beauty you never imagined—if you stop comparing and start exploring. What matters most is that we adapt. That we learn the language of this child, in this place, at this time.

Your Child Is Not You (And That’s a Good Thing)

We all want our children to be successful. To be kind. To thrive.

But sometimes we mistake sameness for success—assuming our child will (or should) think, act, or respond the way we would have. Your child may see the world differently. They may attach meaning to your words you never intended.

They might not understand your rules the way you expected. They may struggle with things that came naturally to you—or excel in areas you never dreamed of. That’s not wrong. That’s human. And that’s what makes them them.

Letting Go of the “Shoulds”

Let’s be honest: we carry a lot of “shoulds” into parenting. You should know what you’re doing. Your child should behave a certain way.

You should be more consistent, more patient, more confident. You should raise kids who reflect well on you. But what if all of that is noise?

What if your only job is this: to be the parent your child needs, not the one you—or others—expected you to be. That means: listening more. Judging less.

Being curious before corrective. Learning strategies that meet your child where they are.

When Behavior Is Misunderstood

Sometimes, the hardest part of parenting is how easily we misread our kids’ behavior. Here’s the thing: the same behavior can have wildly different meanings depending on the context, temperament, and skill set of your child.

Here are some common red-flag labels I hear daily—and what else they might mean:

What We Say
“Lazy”
“Liar”
“Hyper”
“Disrespectful”
“Unmotivated”
“Too sensitive”

What Might Be True
They’re overwhelmed, under-supported, or lacking stamina to sustain effort. Weaknesses in working memory, processing speed, or executive function make things look like laziness.
It might be impulsive, panicked self-protection vs. malicious deception. If we already know what happened, why set them up to lie?
Have they had any chance to move? Are they sitting too long without sensory input or regulation?
Emotional dysregulation may come out sideways—especially when a child feels misunderstood or unsafe or challenged.
What looks like apathy may be fear of failure, shame, or exhaustion.
High empathy, sensory processing differences, or anxiety can make everyday experiences feel louder or harder.

Understanding doesn’t mean excusing—but it does mean intervening more wisely. Sometimes testing is needed to unpack the why’s to determine best next steps.

If You Realize Something’s Not Working…

That’s not failure. It’s a turning point—and an opportunity for growth. Maybe it’s time for a new guidebook—and maybe it’s time to start writing your own, or at least adding your own edited chapters.

One that fits your family, your values, and your child’s needs, in the context of your current lives—not just a copy of the one passed down with love by previous generations, or shaped by social media filters, peer pressure, or cultural noise. The most powerful thing we can model for our kids isn’t perfection—it’s growth. When we show them that we’re still learning, still listening, still adjusting, we teach them that flexibility is strength.

That humility is courageous. That grit and resilience are built through bumps, detours, and dead ends—not smooth sailing. That’s leadership. That’s love. And that’s how we help them chart their own course through a world we’re all still learning to navigate.

Final Thought

Parenting isn’t about executing a perfect plan. It’s about navigating a landscape that changes as your child grows—and having the humility to learn along the way.

So if the “trip” you imagined isn’t the one you’re on, take a deep breath. Look around. You didn’t land where you expected. But there’s beauty here, too.

And you don’t have to travel it alone. Whether it’s a trusted guide, a fellow traveler, or a professional who understands the terrain, reaching out for support is part of the journey, too. This detour just might lead to something better than you imagined.